Seek Sanity
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Pet peeves graze upon the prime acres of our lives, leaving them barren and discolored -- little irritants, unlikable compromises, disturbing habits, irksome characteristics, upsetting intrusions.
They aren't as cute as pet puppies, but since they're yours, it's okay to let them run about freely and yap and nibble at your heels. If you don't, you might believe you're the only one in town who owns the ugly runts and they'll grow into oversized monsters.
I personally have a farm full of the little beasts and want to share them with you. Maybe you'll see one you like and want to take it home. Help yourself. Or you may see several you chased from your own neighborhood because they pooped on your lawn. Bad peeves!
Stand back. I will now line up the musclehead's common pet peeves one by one and briefly note their personality traits. Please, no feeding or teasing the rascals. They're hard to control.
~ Maintaining an anabolic environment every day, always and at all cost
Feed me. Feed me. This is like walking a tightrope across a leech-infested swamp and the only one who really cares is you. If you slip and fall, you don't die, but what a splash. It really sucks. Spoon-feeding the muscles so they grow without accumulating fat, yet assuring the body sufficient energy is a trick of the trade. Easy does it -- not too much, not too little; just right.
Give me a break. I don't feel like eating every three hours, and I sure don't want another can of tuna. You eat Chicken-of-the-Sea and low-fat cottage cheese for a month and tell us how many compliments you get for your charming personality.
~ Protein, protein, protein
I'm talking about real protein -- the entire amino acid balance in abundance, not the puny and partial protein in a slice of Vita-grain bread. We don't count soy, either, cheerleaders. The power sources must be ingested if you're serious about building muscle and might… not ice cream and Jell-O, whole wheat pancakes with syrup on top or a plate of Luigi's Pasta Suprema. The stuff I'm talking about you have to chew with incisors and molars before swallowing it. And, ya know, sometimes chewing, swallowing and chewing is a drag.
~ No more eating this, that or the other lip-smacking thing, because it's junk food
Junk food is junk food, pure and simple, but, oh, sugar is so sweet. Ice cream is more fun than a pony, and you never heard me say chocolate is gross. Gooey cinnamon buns are wonderful at the county fair and, thank heaven, that only comes around once a year. These alluring foods are not enhancements to one's training regimen and too often a little leak in the dyke leads to a growing trickle and sometimes a major break in the dam. They contribute to big and round, not lean and mean.
The chemicals used to add delightful flavor, texture, color and long shelf-life to junk food will pickle your innards and dissolve your brain and cause your hair to fall out. The effect is as subtle as a skunk at a picnic. Just one deep-fried Twinkie, just one, will cause you to burst. They sell them at the Santa Cruz boardwalk and I'm told the staggering line is wrapped around the corner.
~ Living around a workout schedule
It works best when we establish a particular time of day to exercise. It becomes a positive habit and we count on it for regularity and balance in our day. This is good; we're hooked. The body adapts, grows conditioned to the strenuous output and responds with the development of muscle and might and the reduction of stress. We're fulfilled. Miss a workout and we've been known to fall apart.
Injury, illness, family responsibilities, careers and disasters happen; that's life, but we'd rather move the planet by wheelbarrow than move a precious workout.
Never miss a training session, lest thou fall off the face of the earth. The other side of the same coin is an obligation to our training program that borders on obsessive. You'd love to miss a workout, for any reason, but the guilt is literally overwhelming; you quiver with remorse. You and your spouse won round-trip tickets and accommodations for 10 days on Tahiti, but Travelocity.com says there's no gym, just Life Cycles. I don't think so.
~ Small piles of food supplements, morning, noon and night
Ugh, gulp.
Ugh, gulp, gag
Ugh, gulp, gag, glerp
~ Squats and the day after squats
The anticipation, the risk, the loading and unloading of the bar, the crushing weight on the back, knees and shoulders. The punishing sets, the interminable reps, the slow descent and the dubious ascent. The wrapping and unwrapping, belt on and belt off. Unrack the bar, step back like the Frankenstein monster, squat, step forward like a wounded fire-spewing dragon and rack it. Great stuff. Nothing like it. Let's do it again.
The hammering results come as spasms, crawling to the bathroom in the middle of the night, backing down stairs and backing up stairs, loss of appetite and peripheral vision, delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS), which is preceded by absolutely instantaneous muscle soreness (AIMS), lower back seizures that resemble earth tremors, and pulsating knees that glow in the dark.
~ Sticking points, plateaus, slumps and the musclebuilding blues
The conditions above are indistinguishable; they're common and unbearable, disappointing, discouraging, inevitable and inextricable. They can be fixed and overcome, but only by the persevering, and that by courage and might. Now you know everything there is to know. He who endures plateaus wins.
Oh, one other thing: As you resolve one sticking point, it is replaced by another. Immediately.
Bombers, if one day you cannot fly your craft, grease your flaps and change the oil instead. Soar!
Train hard, seek sanity, be nice, thank God...
Dave
*****
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