Muscling Our Way Through the Holiday
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December is a month of planned, meaningful disorder. It’s the last month of a tough year, the month before another tough year, and we’re noticeably up to our ears in "tough." Though we want and need order, we crave disorder, if only temporarily. And disorder we get, in disorderly stacks and poorly arranged piles: daring late-night shopping at the mall during the week, shopping at the other mall on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, casual credit card abuse, questionable after-hours office parties in celebration of Christmas -- ho ho, bring a funny gift, happy holiday drinks and curious finger food with old friends, new friends, people you don’t like and a few bums, untimely headaches, hangovers and horrors of the bowels, smiley gatherings at the in-laws after Friday night choir practice and the obligatory dinner at your place -- bring the kids and sleeping bags.
On top of that, there’s Christmas and then there’s New Year’s.
I have
a friend
who was
born on
Christmas
Day, was
married
22 years
later on
Christmas
Day (cute
idea at
the time),
had a son
the following
year on
Christmas
Eve (surprise!)
and today
looks like
one of
those Christmas
trees you
see lying
on the
roadside
in the
middle
of March
after the
first real
thaw --
dried prickly
needles,
a couple
of broken
balls and
a few strands
of tinsel.
I’m
beginning
to sound
a lot
like
Scrooge
as I
portray
the holiday
season.
It’s
truly
a jolly
and festive
time
of year,
but for
a handful
of obstacles
and detours
tossed
in to
add interest
and challenge.
And,
the interesting
challenges
keep
us alert
and make
us sure-footed
and durable
and offer
enormous
relief
when
they
expire
the day
after
the new
year
begins.
Actually,
the challenges
don’t
exactly
expire
when
the new
year
begins.
That’s
a false
hope
we all
share.
The first week of January, recently designated as Fun Week by the Global Counsel of Mandatory Recreation, is when the entertaining period of reconstruction begins.
There’s the physical stuff: getting back to normal, paying the bills, cleaning the house of colossal heaps of debris -- the ugly dead tree, the stupid plastic Santa that repeatedly blinks and stutters ho ho ho, mounds of boxes, wrapping paper and ribbon, the well-used and abandoned cat box near the water heater, strange leftovers from Thanksgiving, soiled clothing no one can identify, gifts not worth saving, returning, eating or wearing.
And there’s the personal stuff: going on a diet, getting back in shape, reestablishing bruised friendships, secretly returning useless gifts at the mall, catching up on neglected duties, chores and deeds, and facing the sour pusses at work who are shoveling the same... um... tedious details.
Oddly and unfailingly, there’s that moment in the middle of Fun Week when we realize there’s only 350 more shopping days till we once again, with joy and good will, wish our neighbors a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Eyes tear up and our raw emotions are exposed. Merry, joyous and happy are words one dares not utter for the next 11 months if one values one's life.
Look at me, bomber, hear what I have to say. Alright, then, read my words of compassion. I’m here to bring you cheer, encouragement and first aid. We all need to cut loose, occasionally. Let go, partake of the season’s merriment and respond to the frivolous obligations that surround us. It’s our duty, it’s healthy and it’s a blast (yeah, so is a pipe bomb). And somewhere in the midst of the confusion, there are for some of us enormous spiritual rewards and reverent observances.
Thank God for the day and the year. The King lives forever and ever.
December 1st is here and the excitement is mounting. Grasp the month and its days with your powerful hands, throw them over your strong back like a sack bulging with riches and distribute them gladly among your friends, neighbors and loved ones. Declare with good tidings, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all." Swell. Now, with all your might, enjoy the month of wondrous chaos. Your survival is at risk.
Bombers are not easily defined, but we are not stiff and humorless brutes unable or unwilling to bend a taut rule or finesse a finicky discipline. What we do that appears to be wrong or mistaken, like broadening our holiday menu to include extra calories and an increase in carbs, or rearranging our exercise routine to suit the holiday calendar, is an intentional stray from the norm to accomplish a greater good. These flagrant breeches of the Bomber Code are not breeches at all, but effective modifications to accommodate highly irregular, extreme conditions (XXX-xmas) and realize future muscular goals.
For you
who are
so disposed,
you may
enter into
a thoughtful
augmentation
of your
food intake
to provide
your body
with an
aggressive
anabolic
environment.
Grow time,
sinew seekers!
For the
next weeks
eat more
of the
good foods
that excite
you, providing
you maintain
appropriate
scrutiny
to prevent
the accidental
acquisition
of the
frightening
and damaging
condition,
Majoris
Excessis.
A little
size, some
agreeable
mass and
a bit of
bulk provide
power and
energy
to build
on. Fat
in its
various
blubbery
forms weighs
us down.
Additionally,
your training
must meet
the BMDR
-- Bomber’s
Minimum
Daily Requirement.
See outline
below.
This
fine-line
authorization
to eat
beyond
your
ideal
bounds
offers
much-needed
relief,
and,
thus,
freedom
from
stress-induced
catabolism.
It eliminates
anxiety,
guilt,
constipation
and the
degrading
image
of gluttony,
which
leads
to bad
manners
and the
ensuing
stains
on t-shirts,
reaching
across
the table
for seconds,
thirds
and any
remaining
scraps,
burping,
salivating
and snorting.
Do not
snort
in public,
crew.
Snort
not!
Minimize
the grunting.
Training should be no less than three days a week and may be of the simple and stimulating variety, which assures sanity of mind, maintains muscle density and tone and allows joint restoration and deep tissue repair. Freedom rules. The gym offers a refuge from the chaos of the day and the weights become the recipient of the stress of the day. Bombing and blasting recommended.
The last things you want are blank pages in your December training log. Blank pages are like lost opportunities, wasted time, memories uncreated or holes in your cranium or lesions on your back -- worse, they remind me of throbbing, festering unattended sores that cause gangrenous... we won’t go there. Let’s just say blank pages and lost workouts are bad, very bad -- they’re no-nos.
Do you have any questions, eagles?
Yes, young lady in the night vision goggles and combat boots?
Good thinking! Allow me to elaborate on your inquiry. This is what I would do if I were you when the Christmas tree and Auld Lang Syne come tumbling down around you like tall tales and make believe:
Preface -- what you are about to view are ordinary exercises to the ordinary eye, but to the creative and visionary bomber they are splendid opportunities to express oneself freely and passionately. A curl is not just a curl, and any press is not merely another press; a movement is defined by the hand that performs it.
These are not designer routines to be executed with assembly-line precision or clinical correctness. They are outlines in black and white to be colored with the finesse and imagination that erupts from deep inside the performer, the player, the seeker, the ship’s captain.
Reserve no less than 30 minutes for dedicated training; pray for an uninterrupted 60 to 75.
Warm your body, clear your head and set your heart in motion with a sufficient engagement of midsection exercise.
Choose the weight you can control, focus intently on the multiplicity of training purposes filling your mind -- exercise performance, muscle engagement, effective range of motion, body positioning for maximum muscular affect, pump and burn, intensity and safety, inspiring goal visualization and the unsurpassable rewards, benefits and fulfillment of another great workout -- then proceed to apply yourself fully to the deed, the rhythmic, multileveled, multipurposed and wonderfully hard work of building your body and mind, character and soul.
This is an expression, Bomber. Express yourself... fully.
Day 1)
Crunches
Either or both supersets:
1)
Standing
barbell
curl
(4-5
sets
x 8-10
reps)
-- supersetted with:
Freehand or machine dip (4-5 x 12-15 reps)
2)
Seated
alternate
dumbbell
curl
(4-5
sets
x 8-10
reps)
-- supersetted
with:
Close-grip bench press (4-5 x 8-12 reps)
Day 2)
Rope tucks
Either superset:
1)
Leg extension
(4-5
sets
x 10-15
reps)
-- tri-setted
with:
Leg curl (4-5 x 8-12 reps)
Calf raise (5 x 15-20 reps)
2)
Squat (4-5
sets
x 10
reps)
-- supersetted
with:
Stiff-arm dumbbell pullover (4-5 x 8-10 reps)
Day 3)
Hanging
leg raise
Either or both supersets:
1)
Steep dumbbell
inclines
(4-5
sets
x 6-10
reps)
-- supersetted
with:
Seated lat row (4-5 x 8-12 reps)
2)
Press behind
neck
or front
press
with
bar or
Smith
Machine
-- supersetted
with:
Wide-grip pulldown (4-5 x 10-12 reps)
December, all month long. Ya gotta love it.
What does December look like from 10,000 feet? One way to find out, bombers... see you there.
God’s speed... Dave Draper
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