Make-Shift Kitchen, Home-Brewed Muscle Soup

Like many lovely and desirable regions in the world, the central coast of California is getting too big for its britches -- shorts, socks and everything else. Our quaint El Camino Real has become more like El Camino Mucho Mal Grande. The Coast Highway, my pipeline to the gym, is undergoing major restructuring to accommodate the increasing traffic. It seems everyone working in San Jose -- Silicon Valley -- wants to live in Santa Cruz and other coastal oases.

Unless you live on a farm, a ranch or a remote mountainside, you know the nightmare.

This week they, the Caltrans construction crews, plan to close all north- and south-bound lanes 24-7 and funnel them into one narrow stretch to allow crews to enlarge an undersize bridge and lower the highway below it. No problemo, except a gillion cars -- count ‘em -- compete for every inch of this space all day long.

Life in the fast lane becomes life in one lane.

The real crisis: How does the Bomber get to the gym four days a week without going mad, losing his pump or beating his wife?

Just kiddin,’ Laree.

I suspect the project will take forever. There’ll be several union strikes, unseasonable rains, multiple inspection delays, OSHA red tags, local tremors and catastrophic concrete shortages -- disruptions commonly befalling my merry journey.

There are always options. I could forego the gym and commit myself to the spin bike at home and Laree’s tidy collection of kettlebells. They’re both somewhat foreign to this warrior, but I can figure them out with a little help from the notorious IronOnline mob. Or I could load the pickup with supplies (sleeping bag, water, protein, iPod, laptop) and confront the treacherous frontlines like a fearless soldier, or any half-crazed bodybuilder. And, lest we forget, nasty rumors confirm layoffs have payoffs.

Finally, there’s a homeless shelter a block from the gym. I could clean up my act, take up residence for several months and walk to The Weight Room for my fix. Hmmm...

Making the most of a workout without compromising your body, mind and soul is the eventual goal of authentic lifters from early on to the bitter end. Love it as much as we do, gym time is precious and must never be wasted. If, or when, I waste time on the gym floor, I feel it in the hollows of my bones. I sense a loss of space and time, power and flow. Guilt stares at me from encroaching shadows. A vigorous batting at the air and a sharp internal confrontation are often needed to aright my attitude, my behavior and my deflating body.

Get ye behind me, unfocused mind, unwilling heart, avenger of my soul.

How might I narrow down my training, I wonder, as I confront this untimely highway robbery? What’s the most I can do with limited equipment for maximum benefit? Like you, I’m not training for Olympic competition, World records or the cover of Vanity Fair. I’m not going anywhere fast. I’m trying to keep my head screwed on straight, my back strong and my arms pumped without fighting the California Transit Authority and the mobs of frustrated fender-bending commuters.

When cornered the creature becomes highly creative, its survival instincts aroused to maximum productivity, its logic laid bare. I’m in the woods safe and alone.

I can rustle up a trusty pair of adjustable dumbbells, 50 pounds their limit.

A 4”x12” plank, six or seven feet long, makes a dandy flat bench when resting upon cinderblocks, and a swell incline when leaning against a wall.

A folded bath towel makes great padding wherever padding is needed. Dungeon dejavu all over again.

A length of pipe (make it a thick pipe) fastened to overhead rafters serves as a chinning bar. Widegrip or close-grip, over-grip or under-grip, behind the neck or to the front... hanging leg raises.

A pair of horizontal and parallel surfaces sufficient for bodyweight dips is never an impossible improvisation. Just look around.

I wouldn’t be surprised if pushups between chairs are a better delt, pec and triceps exercise than the honored, worshipped, applauded bench press. Don’t mention this to the Westside Barbell Club.

There’s Laree’s Bryon-Built Sled for loading and pulling around the yard or up the long driveway: leg and lat, core and grip work.

Of course, as previously mentioned, Madam L’s spin bike and KBs, when not in use by the lady herself.

Any more musclebuilding devices and the floor will be packed; no room for the Coke machine, hot tub, personal trainers and sales staff. Scream!

Reviewing my collection of odds and ends, recalling my past resourcefulness and experiences, and considering my limited options, I just might feast from the bounty within my just-cast net. A diet of wholesome and simple foods is welcome and rewarding.

Let’s take a look at the bountiful choices before us:

• Seated, standing and varied incline dumbbell curls for biceps and engaged regions
• Dumbbell wrist curls
• One- and two-arm lying and overhead triceps extensions
• Flat and incline dumbbell presses for shoulders and pecs
• One-arm floor to overhead cleans with dumbbells for power, lo-back and core, and shoulder development
• Various lateral raises for deltoids
• One-arm rows, heavy weight on one dumbbell bar for the back
• Stiff-arm pullovers for lats and tris and associated areas
• Dips for tris and upper back and shoulders
• Chins of choice for lats, back and bis (a little assist-kick from an appropriately positioned platform will aid those whose chinning strength is in progress)
• Seated with feet supported and pulling a loaded sled as one pulls a lat-row cable will simulate the superior lat movement for fun and effect and diversion. Lean forward, grasp the long rope and pull to the midsection, contracting and arching the back; release grip and repeat the action to satisfaction. Relocate for next sets.
• Any sled work at any time to suit my needs and desires

I feel stuffed. Whatever we do, we do not want to get caught in the tedious, all-consuming act of setting up equipment and changing dumbbells and training occasionally. Nothing more distracting and unappealing amid a workout is fumbling with wrenches, swapping plates and rearranging the furniture. Gotta keep the blast basic and direct, fun and fulfilling.

Now to arrange a routine:

Day 1: Chest, back and shoulders
Dumbbell 45-degree incline press -- 4 sets x 8 reps
Flat dumbbell press -- 4 sets x 8 reps
Wide-grip chin to front -- sets x 8 reps
One-arm row -- 4 sets x 8 reps
One-arm sidearm lateral raise -- 4 sets x 8 reps

Day 2: Bike and midsection or sled pull

Day 3: Arms
Wrist curl -- 4 sets x 8 reps
Dumbbell low-incline curl -- 4 sets x 8 reps
Seated dumbbell alternate curl -- 4 sets x 8 reps
Dips -- 4 sets x 8 reps
Overhead triceps extension -- 4 sets x 8 reps

Day 4: Bike and midsection or sled pull

Day 5: Legs, all body, core
One-arm overhead clean -- 4 sets x 8 reps
Squat in place holding dumbbells -- 4 sets x 8 reps
Seated lat row with sled -- 4 sets x 8 reps

Day 6: Anything or nothing or practice movements with kettlebells

That’s a reasonable outline for an amateur home-trainee such as me. A few days of disciplined practice and observation will determine likeable modifications and refine the routine. Where there’s a will there’s a way.

The only way is the skyway, bombers. Those wings were made for flying... Just stretch them out and flap.

Go... God’s Speed... DD

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