I’m as Dumb as a Rock (Iron Ore)
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Hi. I’m new at IronOnline. Weightlifting, bodybuilding, muscleheads, exercise, nutrition, shaping up, getting fit. Who, what, where, when and why? Tell me, I’ve gotta know.
Simple answers are conveyed in real-life-scenarios for anyone unfamiliar with the iron, also known as chuckleheads and probably from Venus or Mars.
Scenario Number One: The Kid
I’m 16 and never been in a gym before. I want big and strong muscles, and the appearance, confidence and abilities that go with them.
That’s a nice, neat package, summing up the primary motives and goals that lead a kid to the threshold of the local ironworks.
“Hi, can I help you?”
“Yeah, can I look around?”
Once the paperwork is complete and a little direction is exchanged, the kid is on his way. An astute and generous staff member, trainer or friend can outline and demonstrate the basic exercises and concepts the beginner needs to know in 60 minutes. The rest is picked up, discovered, uncovered, invented or imitated by the eager and perspicacious youth day by day along the way.
Listen up: One exercise for each muscle group, proper execution, muscle-exercise focus, muscle exertion, exercise pace and rest between sets and reps, breathing and reassurance and encouragement. Push and pull, contract and extend, steady and stay tight, you can do this. Don’t over-exert, don’t overtrain and don’t goof around during the workout. Practice, be consistent, be positive, eat right (protein instead of soda pop) and be thankful.
Sounds like a stack of information, and a stack it is. But anyone, having learned by now to walk and talk, has an affinity for life’s fundamentals and is prepared for this non-scientific engagement. It’s the desire and need and the regular application that make it happen.
Desire and need overcome adversity, fear, doubt, laziness and neglect and procrastination. These project you like a light upon a screen, a bowling ball into the pin, a dart toward the target. Regular application produces good habits, fulfillment, instruction, advancement in function and ability and development of lean muscle. You’re on your way, young man or woman, and there’s no stopping you now. Airborne.
Just wait till you discover the riches attained during your musclebuilding journey: defined character, broad patience, enduring perseverance, deep focus, strong will, energized compassion, solid conviction. Heavenly treasures.
Sky’s the limit. Eyes and ears open, Brother Iron, Sister Steel in hand, davedraper.com on the screen, boom, zoom, you moon.
Number Two: The Family Guy
I’ve got two wives and a kid... rather, two kids and a wife. I also have a job and I’m up to my eyeballs in debt and stress. Can you believe it, I’m only 30... already? I played sports in high school (threw dice, played pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and mean video-soccer) and now I’m 40 pounds overweight. I want drop the fat and build muscle, but I don’t want to be Mr. America or anything like that. You know what I mean... big arms, small waist, strong, but not like the guys in the magazines... the steroid freaks.
The usual mess at a bewilderingly young age and, thank goodness, he wants to restore himself. If only he took advantage of the opportunity The Kid has at 16. ‘If only’ is a reprehensible lens through which to view life. Pathetic and defeatist, lost and alone. ‘It’s never too late’ is the theme of conversations from here on out. Just in time, the time is right, congratulations and an occasional, grim-faced it’s-now-or-never will preface the dialogues this day forward.
Step one: Same start-up intelligence offered to the wise and gutsy kid (it never changes, hasn’t since the Greeks beat the Romans at the Mr. International, 1,000 BC): presses, curls, extensions, raises, squats... solid fundamentals with commonsense and regularity, confidence and enthusiasm.
Oh, yeah... and diet. No junk, lotsa protein for muscle repair and enough healthy carbs and good fat to keep you busy, fresh fruit and salads, and logical meal frequency starting with a balanced breakfast. Don’t forget your Super Spectrim vitamin and mineral supplement and Bomber Blend.
The family guy could very well be the lady of the house instead, with a few minor adjustments and he-she variations. The big problems remain time, commitment and establishing healthy patterns and habits. Back to desire and need, the inner propellants, which are now in need of oxygen and fresh blood. He and she need encouragement and assurance and support.
Don’t, as in do not, dwell on who you were, where you’ve been and how much work there is ahead to fix stuff; consider who you are, where you’re going and the fun, fulfillment and reward in reaching who you want and can be. This mission is for your spouse, for the kids and for you. Roll up your sleeves, take a deep breath, push and pull and hoist. Again. Nothing like it. Again. Extend, squeeze, contract.
Hello, Brother Iron Sister Steel, Your Body Revival, and the IOL forum and website. Just in time, as they say.
Number Three: The 40- and 50-something wide and wide-eyed
Kids are grown and almost out of the house, God bless ‘em. Both work and love Monday-night football. He likes a few beers now and then and the love of his life prefers wine at dinner. Where does time go and where do the pounds come from? They used to run and could go for miles; tried to jog last Friday, and were on the couch for the rest of the weekend. The muscle they thought was lost attacked without mercy from every direction simultaneously. Scary. Life’s a grand struggle and they love it... worth the fight and they want to start living again... renew, rebuild, strengthen and fortify. Exercise, eat right, it’s time.
It is time, indeed. And there’s nothing like a healthy and challenging diversion to revive a person’s vitality and renew interest as the valley of life spreads out before him. And what is more complete, inexpensive and available than the challenge of musclebuilding fitness? Pole vaulting is unlikely, you’re probably too old for the Marines and ski jumping has its limiting factors.
The secret’s out; it’s on TV, it’s become an industry. Every day, everywhere we look, we witness the grave physical condition of our neighbors -- overweight and undermuscled, un-energized and dispirited. Few, upon identifying the disadvantages in themselves, do anything about them: too late, too much trouble, too lazy, too ignorant, too careless, too cowardly, too apathetic, too busy, too preoccupied. Oh, well, what the heck. Maybe tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes in some distant future and some actually give the growing dilemma their best shot: walk, skip meals, join a gym on a two-for-one special for a 30-day-trial at 24-hour Hocus-pocus (or 24-hour Hokey Pokey). Tomorrow goes and, just as they expected, nothing happens. “I told ya.”
Ah, but there are the exceptions to the rule, and, well, they rule. The original Mr. and Mrs. Wide-eyed see the light and grasp the iron with all their might. They hire a personal trainer who’s been through the mill -- all personal trainers go through the mill -- and he introduces them to the inner workings of the metal shop. How’s it go again; Lift, push, pull, hoist, order, intensity, feel, live and lift, learn and grow... smile, be happy.
Oh, yeah. Though reminded to be positive and never look back, they say, “What have we been waiting for? If only we knew the musclebuilding lifestyle was so fulfilling, rewarding, beneficial, interesting, challenging and fun, we’d have become muscleheads ages ago.” Hooked!
Number Four: The 60-plus, nose pressed against the senior’s heart-safe menu at the Geezer Café
65 isn’t as old as it sounds when you’ve lived that long. To a teen it’s ancient, to the middle-aged it’s getting up there and to the octogenarian it’s youth at its finest. To the character in question it’s a lot younger than one would expect. There’s plenty of time in hand to capture, renovate, enjoy and live -- the rest of your life, come to think of it. No time like the present to add quality to the days. Exercise, eat right and carry on the good fight... a little wiser, more grateful and gracious, more courageous and joyful.
I could go on forever, but I ran out of words and energy, ink and paper. Could be worse; I coulda run outa desire and need, and you know what happens without desire and need. Nothin’.
Got wings, will fly... Draper
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