Mister Robert Jones Returns to the Gym
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My job, if I have a job, is to encourage and inform, and be a companion to my brother and sister bombers. It can get lonely out there, especially when it’s been a tedious day at work and you must pass your homebound exit on the way to the gym. We all need a nudge, a nod of approval, an occasional kick in the pants; and we need to know what we are doing is right on.
I dig into my absent mind, scary gym bag or linty pockets and pull out whatever I can find that can be interpreted as useful for this week’s newsletter: Three dimes, a nickel and six pennies... I’d better hang on to those for the future; a melted Tootsie Roll stuck to a frayed knee wrap... Yuk... separate those later! Aha! What have we here? This works perfectly: a new guy about 50-years-old on the gym floor with an extremely large midsection and a long-misplaced familiarity with the bench press.
He doesn’t look happy. He’s got a big job ahead and he knows it. I can hear him saying to himself, “If only I didn’t stop exercising so many years ago.”
Yes, I read minds. I also know the future: He’s gonna be sore tomorrow. He just completed four sets of benches for fundamental chest, delt and tri work followed by widegrip pulldowns for lottsa lats and a bit of bis; all of this performed with yesteryear’s spirit and exertion. Good idea -- push and pull -- but the fired-up comeback is gonna set him ablaze by tomorrow morning.
You think the price of gasoline is painful; the price of an extended layoff and an ambitious return is pure torture. Shoot me! However, if my man persists he’ll save his life, revitalize his body and eliminate considerable internal hurt. No doubt he feels awkward and overwhelmed, discouraged and personally disappointed. No laughs in that concoction.
Stop and think about it: When those bewildered normal folks ask why we lift weights year after year, the fear of a scene like this is probably the answer. Of course we can’t discount neurotic obsession and the desire for cannonball delts, barn door lats, bulging biceps, horseshoe triceps, rippling pecs, six-pack abs, sweeping thighs, diamond-shape calves and the power of a gorilla as being somewhat influential. We’re really no different from everyone else.
I wanted to offer my skills as a motivator and my vast storehouse of musclebuilding knowledge to the unsuspecting returnee, but I had problems of my own -- gasping and quivering as I knocked out eight reps of bench presses with the measly 35-pound dumbbells. Instead I gave him a big bomber smile and asked, “Are we having fun yet, Bubba?”
Sometimes that’s all it takes to reassure and to comfort, to inspire and motivate downhearted AWOL ironheads; just the right combination of well-chosen words conveyed with a sympathetic tone and a hearty clap on the back. Note: Big Guy is a favorable substitute for Bubba. Dude is kinda cheesy, Pal’s too common and Buddy sounds false.
Having gained his confidence and learned his name in one smooth gesture, I continued to artfully weave my way into the life of Mister Robert Jones.
“You’re doing a great job, Mister Jones, by just being here. Most folks note, as the years have gone by, their health and fitness have been compromised by the priorities of daily living: career, work, family and everyday tough knocks. Disappointed, they ignore the larger-than-life dilemma because strengthening and reconditioning look unlikely and the pathway unlikable. It takes courage to put the past behind you and take the hard steps forward. Procrastination, deeply etched bad habits, apathy, distractions and entertainment conveniently and destructively block bold self-confrontation and subsequent revitalization.
“You’re here, Mister J. Having defeated your tired old self, you are past the front door, in your training gear and amid the smell and clang, the power and energy of the ‘ol iron. You’re a dern hero, Robert. Lesser folks are home watching Reality TV and eating chips.
“You’re way ahead of the game, Bob; you know your way around, having a good memory for memorable deeds and things: barbells and dumbbells, sets and reps, biceps and shoulders -- exertion and exhaustion, pump and pain, fulfillment and failure. They’re all here just like they were before, especially the good feeling you get when the workout is done. Look out world, here I come!
“Enjoy yourself, Big Bob. Ease into your workouts. Play for awhile. Recall your favorite exercises and give them a go -- a good tug, a careful push, a thoughtful lift. Do nothing excessive. A curious trial, a sensible challenge and a sometimes vague practice will prepare your body, excite your mind and set you in motion. You don’t need any opposition during these early days of revival, like injury, undue pain, soreness or body limitations. Expect too much and try too hard and you risk developing bitterness toward training by overexertion, hurry, sloppy performance, poor concentration and unrealistic expectations.
“Be optimistic, Bobby. Your training attitude and approach are fresh and pliable and subject to persuasion. Be positive from the next vigorous set onward. Treat negative thinking as you would the devil or the terrorist. Stop him in his tracks. The gym, the weights, the adventure of building muscle, strength and health were once fascinating, exciting and fulfilling. Ah, the good old days! They possess and offer the same qualities today, and much more. This stuff is tough, but it’s the good tough. Wrap your hands around the bars and your head around the mission.
“Be encouraged, BJ. In a week or two, as you adjust and recall and reestablish and plan, consciously and unconsciously, you’ll slip into a routine that suits your needs, desires and timetable. Remember: Check high technology and rocket science and magic and tricks at the front counter. Stick to the basics, the oldies but goodies, the tried and true, the real McCoys. They are not old-fashioned. They’re as fresh and crisp as apples from the apple tree.
“Be persistent, Jonesie, my man. Anything less will mean failure, and you’ve come too far. When the going gets tough, keep going. If you don’t, you go nowhere fast. Herein lies the enemy: guilt, discouragement, embarrassment and, last but not least, improvementlessness. New word, old condition.
“Be consistent, Bobster. I repeat, be consistent. Ask anyone who’s been around the iron for 30, 40 or 50 years and they’ll insist consistency in training performance is the key to strength and healthy musclebuilding. Miss a workout and you miss 10; miss 10 workouts and you miss 10 years... if ya know what I mean, Bob-boy. The wonderful muscle, strength and health advancement in before you will vanish like the morning due on the apple tree.
“Gains come slowly, but they keep on coming, day after day, workout after workout. You can’t always see them, like money in your piggybank, but they’re there, gems in your safety deposit box.
“Be confident, Bill... sorry, did I call you Bill, Bob? Don’t mess with me, big guy, which is it, Bill or Bob? Okay, Bob it is. Knowing things will happen and are happening -- losing bodyfat, building muscle tissue, increasing strength, energy and health -- is the essential mental quantity of this physical process.
“Certain your aspirations are sensible and your efforts are well invested, your mood and hopes rise. You feel better than ever, you can move more easily, you look forward to work and hardy recreation, you’re cheery and self-assured; you can once again really-truly relax, smile and smell the flowers and hear the children laugh and notice the warmth in your sweetheart’s eyes.
“Training’s hot, Bobski; the iron is cool, the people who lift are real, exercise works and I guarantee you’ll start eating right as you hoist the steel regularly. Hard training and right eating, they go together like wind and wings.
“Speaking of wind and wings, Bart, would you like to be an authentic bomber? It’s simple. Train smart, eat smart, be smart. No, there’s no secret handshake.”
Go... Godspeed... DD
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