Take Me to the 100-Pound Dumbbells
Photo by Tom Peterson, Zimbabwe, early '70s
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Winter’s long gone, but the nip in the air has lingered like a cough from a bad cold. The natural springtime boost we count on to inspire and excite our workouts is late. Some of us are dragging our bodies covered with bulky sweats to the gym, and training to the faint tinkle of unwilling weights.
Tank tops are in the bottom dresser drawer and the tuna and water diet is on the back shelf, while a hot pizza is perched on the table beside the recliner before the television set. How neat and cozy.
There’s a jiggly creature hiding under my workout rags and I know it. And he knows I know it. The whole neighborhood knows it. It’s time to dig out the battered old shoebox of spring training tricks... the one marked, “Oh, no. Here we go again!”
None of us will argue the hardest and most essential move to make is the first move -- recovering the box from the rubble of the attic, opening it up and poking through its dog-eared contents. Patuey!
Oh, here’s a favorite: Upgrade your regular aerobic program today. I’ll do better than that, bombers, I’ll double it, increasing it from one minute on the treadmill to two. I’ll throw in 60 seconds on the bike.
Time to make a commitment!
I’ll sort out the stash of tips, hints and reminders written on scraps of paper, matchbook covers and candy wrappers. I’ll arrange them in relevant order without further procrastination.
Holy Moly! Order and procrastination! These are the immediate predicaments we must attend, confront, resolve and otherwise conquer. Bombs away! Today I shall assess myself, establish my goals, determine my needs, consider my diet, examine my options, formulate my strategy, review my calendar and plan to implement my course of action. Simple, straightforward and on target; one might add, thorough, yet succinct.
Excuse me... I feel overwhelmed, desperate and phobic... lightheaded, weak in the knees and nauseous.
I’m up to my ears in lists, assessments, schemes and shallow and lingering approaches -- mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and otherwise. I’m hopping in the old gas-eater and heading for the gym, considering what to do on the way, deciding what to do when I park and doing what I do when I walk in the door.
Aha! I see my favorite pair of 100-pound dumbbells. Without pause I walk up to the well-balanced and handsome mounds of iron, give them an affectionate pat, and make a sharp left following the rack of descending dumbbells to that familiar place where the scornful 25s are cradled. I drop my notorious gym bag, flop on the bench before the cutesy twosome and take a load off my feet. Phew! I made it.
Now what? Half the battle is won. I’m here. The rest is easy; 12 minutes of HIIT aerobic on the stationary bike (modify to suit your needs, desires, ability... No, do not cross this out with black felt-tip marking pen), 10 minutes of rope tucks (a worthwhile exercise to develop... inside tip)... and hanging leg raises for the torso and midsection, then 30 to 45 minutes of weight training. The basics, no fancy stuff: some pushing and pulling combinations (your favorite old reliables) to work the upper body, three to four sets of each movement with agreeable weight (allow pride to crash to the gym floor) and varying reps in the 6 to 12, 15 range.
Think of 15 to 20 sets total, depending on physical condition, reps, pace and exertion applied. How’s this? Dumbbell inclines, straight-arm pullover, seated lat row, cable crossovers, side-arm lateral raises... 3-4 sets x 6-12 reps (15 to 20 sets) and you’ve trained shoulders, chest, back and bis and tris. Next workout, accent the arms with curls and extensions as the dominant exercises, along with one-arm rows, low-incline dumbbell flys or presses, and dips.
Hit three workouts a week or a workout every other day.
Too lighthearted, too daring, too ad lib? I understand. Hard to let go of routine completely, but a wander down a less-used path can be enlightening, exhilarating and deliciously dangerous. I carry a gun.
Or, you might try this little sideways excursion, my favorite training scheme, four days a week: Monday -- chest and back; Wednesday -- shoulders and arms; Thursday -- legs and torso; Sat or Sun -- a free for all, that which I need or desire to do. Each workout is allowed 75 minutes, every other workout includes similar aerobic and midsection routine as above, 2 to 3 exercises per muscle group and 4 to 5 sets of anywhere from 6 to 12 - 20 reps. I cover all the basic exercises I'm able. I push 80-plus percent of max. Half the workout is supersetted.
Take my outline and trim it down or alter it to fit you. The one-day free-for-all is a small blast of everything not blasted enough. Every bodypart gets sufficient work twice a week... That's good.
My message: The time is right. Get to the gym, warm up -- roll around on the floor, whatever it takes -- slyly tinker with the dumbbells and the machines and allow your old self to take over the controls without expectations or destinations -- today and tomorrow and the next day, it’s all good. The play, the romping (and ranting) will soon become the dependable sports and diversions you miss, need and love -- musclebuilding, strength-building, weightlifting. In a few weeks, as the rhythm returns and the aches and pains and stiffness go away, or, more rather, diminish, you’ll be glad you did
Welcome home, bomber. Never drift away again.
One last thing. Clean out the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets, no more pop and junk foods, eat regularly and wisely and make certain you ingest plenty of protein.
Yum! One more delight added to the joys of lifting the iron. Is there no end?
And look at the view from up here. You can see for miles. Look, that’s our house way over there... No, that’s not a barn...
Just Go... Godspeed... Dave
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