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Canary in the Iron Mine


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One down, one to go. Now that is not the way to regard the cheeriest holidays of the year. Shame on me. It’s just all I remember about Christmas are coughing and sneezing, runny noses and chills, aspirin and vitamin C. Twas not the season to be jolly -- Ho Ho Ho -- at the Draper digs in the merry forest. But we were grateful and secure sitting by the fireside caring for each other, passing time, tissues, tonics and tangy tea.

Just think. We missed all the groovy Christmas shopping; the malls, the parking, the sales, the jubilant bargain hunters; the rudeness, the elbows, the bruises, the stress, the disappointment… the fender-benders, the ER, the law suits. Alas, next year. Tis right around the corner.

We also missed our newsletter, but then, by the blank expression on your faces, you have no idea what I’m talking about. The weekly newsletter… IronOnline -- the e-mail thingie where I write about stuff, important stuff like barbells and dumbbells, pumps and burns.

Gee, I haven’t stroked the iron or experienced a pump in 10 days. But I did burn my index finger slightly while stoking the fire in the hearth before bedtime. Felt kinda good in a perverted sorta way… If I don’t hit the gym today, I’m a goner.

“The way the story goes, some old-timer tied a 110-pound barbell set around his waist and jumped off the curb into a speeding skateboarder. They’re both pretty banged up -- the skateboard broke a wheel and the weight-set lost a collar.”

I plan to go to the Weight Room today at noon and poke around… see if anything jumps out at me -- a pulley, a curl, a press. I’ll grab something small and friendly, something that won’t bite, and give it a go. I’ll drag Laree along and have her go first. If it doesn’t louse her up, wreck, ruin, crush, destroy, break, annihilate or otherwise devastate her, I’m in business. 

A reminder: The first rule in bodybuilding is look out for number one, or as we culturally liberated like to say, numero uno. Rule two, of course, is always use commonsense. And last but not least, the third rule, rulski threeski, is follow your heart. This humble, noble and selfless stance enables us to overcome adversity and, thus, be honorably positioned to help the weak and needy around us.

Shoot me! I just returned from the iron mega-palace, or as they say on the south side of town, the palace of mega iron. The mega iron palace is the common reference if you’re from the west side, though newcomers call it the mega palace of iron, which confuses me if it’s early in the morning. Anyhow, I had a decent workout for a feller who was recently run down by a crazy skateboarder… guy came outta nowhere.

I accomplished the obvious goals without further compromising my health or defeating my purposes. I stimulated the basic muscular system from head to toe, performing well-executed movements in a smart balance and engaging pace. I exerted ample might, yet avoided seductive red-zone force. I left refreshed and smiling, rather than slaughtered and rat-faced… an odd feeling, come to think of it.

Old bombers never die, they just burst with life.

The whole thing took me one sweet hour. I totaled 24 chewy sets of six appetizing exercises, four deliriously delicious sets of each with as many bite size reps as required. Rope tucks and freehand sissy squats, Smith front press and pulldowns, wrist curls and seated lat rows.

Friday I go back for more because I just can’t help myself.

Train hard, eat right and be happy and prosperous in 2012.

Don’t smoke! No punching. Speak not with forked tongue. Be nice to your wife.

Thank God for all things… Dave

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