First Things First

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Boris Bachmann
Squat Talk

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An old-fashioned newsletter -- in this day and age of high technology? R U kdng me?

Since I have no illusion anyone will be reading this week’s lonesome newsletter, I shall allow my fingers to fly brazenly across the keyboard and zap out a message neither sage nor delightful, a dust storm of words to settle on the silent hallways of IronOnline.

Sit upright, adjust chair, roll shoulders, stretch fingers, deep breath… Here goes nothing.

Neighborhood editorial

Tested, devoted and brave are we, having ascended the peaks, traversed the breadths and negotiated the twists and turns the past year. 2012 was last seen over our crouching shoulders as we wrestled to escape its depressing grip. I didn’t learn a thing, advance or grow or swell with pride or raise my hand in hope and glory, as America, the Shining Star, faded -- fooled, gagged and tied by a band of malevolent and sycophantic marauders.

Alas, 2013 arrived with muffled commotion, weary upheaval and a rumbling scramble at its dull edge, its blunt point. Where have all the heroes gone, the cowboys and frontiersman, the defenders of truth, the combatants of lies and healers of pain? Let’s rally the good people, the righteous, the thoughtful, the spirited and supple, willing and wise.

We need a Dungeon-like gym in every neighborhood, Bomber Blend on every kitchen table and The Good Word at each nightstand across the United States of America. No cigarettes, no booze, no dope, no dopes.

Day of celebration

Thirty days hath December. January has thirty plus one, 31, the final day added (by God’s decree I am certain) to accommodate Laree’s date of birth. No, no… it is not her 31st birthday, despite her vitality, attitude and dazzle, 39 being a more accurate estimation.

Note: Send gifts of cash directly to me, [email protected].

Training advice for the desperate

A little bit of everything with all my might for one hour twice a week, that’s my training model. After more than half of a century of juggling the iron there’s no need to plan ahead. The going -- the getting there -- is the hardest part of the whole gritty endeavor. Completion, and the relief that accompanies it, is the payoff. That I survived is a good sign. That I accomplished something, did any good, is questionable.

1) Retained muscle 2) prevented overnight structural deterioration 3) enhanced cardio-respiratory function 4) refreshed the system 5) extended the lifespan

I would love to positively check off these cheery objectives, but I’m often afraid I’m scratching a line through them.

One thing is certain, the scant and meager workouts prevent me from stomping my feet, bleeding from the eyes and ears, screaming obscenities and breaking things. For this I am grateful.

Nutrition corner

My exact menu for Wednesday, 1-09-2013, calories and grams of stuff unknown. Who cares?

Includes at least a quart of water throughout the day -- sip, slug, sip

… Early morning…

2 scoops BB protein in water -- gulp

3 raw eggs with 6-ounce GreenFood drink -- gulp

Meds (you don’t want to know) -- gulp

Supplements (Super Spectrim VM and amino acids, creatine, fish oil, COQ10) -- gulp

Coffee and a bran muffin -- yum
… Late morning…

6 pinky-sized shrimp -- slurp

Cucumber and tomato -- chomp

8-ounces low fat milk -- swig

… Early afternoon…

6 ounce can of tuna -- slurp

Dill pickles in moderation for joy

2 scoops BB protein in water -- gulp, glub

… Late afternoon…

Full-fat yogurt and banana -- swallow

… Din Din…

Turkey with vegetables (carrots, potatoes, onion, celery) slow-cooked in a crock-pot… all I can eat, an uncalculated plateful -- slobber

Low fat milk -- sip

Fresh red pepper and tomato salad, oil and vinegar -- chew, yum

... Bedtime…

A six-pack and a pack of Camels while watching ‘Dragnet’ reruns (just kidding)

Some unfinished yogurt ’n fruit or some kefir drink with a few evening meds and supps -- Good night. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.

I know what you’re saying. Where’s the beef? (Remember that? Wendy’s, 1984. 28 years ago, Momma.) I eat plenty of red meat throughout the week, just not this particular Wednesday. Red meat’s my fav, and the best dern musclebuilder this side of the butcher’s block. A good mix of protein sources is wiser, smarter and more fun.

Aren’t we rich and blessed and grateful? Thank you, Lord!

With that, seek humility amid your prosperity. Be nice to your neighbor and the policeman, bus driver and mailman. Beware of fungus, low-flying Pacific island vulture, rusty-pointed objects, lying politicians from Chicago, IEDs, leprosy, DC cronies and snake infestation. I could go on.  

Seriously, David Bombastic


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