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My Imitation of a Cranky Old Bomber


From Don't Make Waves

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Take it from a home-schooled all-American pilgrim: Do not make a federal case out of your workout. Keep it simple, stick to the basics. Once you bring in the Feds, you can no longer decide what to lift, how much, where, when or why. You just stand there dumbstruck with your left finger in your right ear and the right finger pointing at the wrong guy, while your gut sags and your guns shrivel.

You make me nervous. Be strong, be smart, be sensible. Lift something and don’t drop it. No complaining.

Gee. I should be a politician. I’m straight-talking and decisive.

I just came in from the deck where I absorbed some free California sun, ingested a can of Dave’s Yellowfin Albacore, one lemon cucumber, a ladle of cow’s milk and a bottle of mountain stream water. I am tan, ripped, refreshed and grateful.

Actually, no. I’m sweaty and overheated, dizzed, limp and achy… and freaked out about taxes and spending and creeps, jerks and wars. I was listening to the news on my iPud.

My solution to it all -- Go to the gym and take no prisoners.

Yeah, I’m a tough guy. I stumble into the Weight Room, stagger to an empty corner, slouch on a bench and scatter anyone who gets in my way. After padding and wrapping myself appropriately, I head for the floor where the trouble begins… and the trouble ends. The gym, like a bank account, is empty.

Two workouts a week are sufficient when that’s all you can do. There’s an obvious logic to my restrictions. I can train more often, but I go into convulsions, bleed and, eventually, perish. Recovery’s a drag. On my off-days I walk (across the room) and do focused and well-formed freehand squats for reps, requiring as much toil and strain as three-plate workouts only a few years ago.

I approach my workouts as a surgeon approaches heart surgery, or a lawyer approaches a jury in defending a client accused of murder in the first degree, or a CEO approaches an annual board meeting in today’s declining economy. Trivial metaphors, I admit, but they serve to make my point. Workouts are serious business; lives are on the line, get pumped or get out.

Here’s the catch: If I train too hard (like, the only way to train, dude), I’m lightheaded the next day and my eyes don’t focus, the pain is overpowering and I can’t move. No injury, just immobilization, inflammation and cataclysm. Minor exaggerations, but they serve to make my point.

I say I’m going to fix this craziness, this foolishness, this weird joyfulness, but in the midst of my training the sane and sensible notion evaporates. It’s one more exercise, one more set and one more rep, before I drag myself out the door, down the staircase, onto my wild stallion and out of town, guns a blazin,’ before the Calvary comes to my rescue.  I’m the lone rider.
 
I’m bad, but I eat right! I can still taste the tuna from today’s sunny midday meal. And tonight Laree and I shall feast upon a potful of her homemade grass-fed beef chili from heaven. Not too much, just enough; that is, till I burst, can no longer swallow, become comatose or the pot is empty.

The bodyweight is steady at 202.5 and I wonder why I feel skinny. It’s probably the same reason why I feel fat: the BBs, Bodybuilders’ Blues. Despite my friskiness and soaring motivation, I shall go to the gym today and push and pull till benches collapse, racks topple to the floor and the iron melts into a sea of molting rage.

A premiere of newly engineered exercises bearing the DD patent-pending trade mark whachamacallit:

Smith front press… 3-4 sets x 10, 8, 6 reps
SS
Widegrip pulldown behind neck… 3-4 sets x 12, 10, 8 reps

Standing barbell curl with butt to the wall… 3-4 sets x 10, 8, 6 reps
SS
Machine assisted dips… 3-4 sets x  12 - 15 reps

One-arm cable crossover… 3-4 sets x 8 - 10 reps

One-arm lateral raise… 3-4 sets x 10, 8, 6 reps

Novel and unique, yes, but the scheme is original, intricate and sneaky. Secret training techniques performed in the field are like that -- get used to it. It’s the application and the applier that make the difference. Not all movements and movers are the same.

You forgot your rope tucks… Seriously… So disappointed… The Bomb

>>>>> 

Everyone has heard of the light at the end of the tunnel, but few have experienced it… or know anyone who has. Lo and behold, Laree D has, and it is neither daylight nor the headlight of an oncoming train. It is the 3.5 hour, three-disc DVD series by Dan John called Intervention: Course Corrections for the Athlete and Trainer.

Three months ago Dan John gave an in-depth seminar about the fundamentals and intricacies of correct training structure for the focused athlete. Cameras rolled as he described, demonstrated and detailed on blackboards the functional movement systems and their achievement. In the ensuing months, Laree edited the raw material, arranged it for clear understanding and added files of related information to present a bright light to which few tunnels lead.

Here’s a quick look: Dan John -- Intervention, new release!

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