Basic Obedience 1A
May 28, 2003

If man could be taught to perform a few tricks, as can dogs and elephants, he wouldn’t be such a mess. Sit, stay, roll over… crush small house, uproot tree.

Basic behavior and conditions of the ordinary human being:

~Is aware of surroundings that provide personal pleasure, comfort and advancement only.

~Thinks too highly of himself or thinks of himself as abominable.

~Eats too much sugar and too little protein and, generally, too much.

~Activity is kept at a bare minimum, as activity requires too much effort.

~Stress invades every undefended quarter of the average human being.

~Exercise is virtually non-existent.

~Rest varies with the personality: worry, fitness and diet affects rest, relaxation and sleep.

There are copious additions, variations and nuances to the behavior patterns listed above, but these are the fundamentals, the essentials that comprise the foundation of man and woman’s development. They are the most important conditions and the least attended.

Bomber’s Basic Obedience Course:

~Be more completely aware of your surroundings -- people, places and things.

~Unless you are a savage, think more highly of yourself.

~Eat less sugar and more protein, and not too much of anything.

~Don’t avoid daily physical busy-ness that is mindful -- be active.

~Mitigate stress wisely, a conscious practice.

~Exercise vigorously no less than 15 minutes daily, striving for 45 to 60 minutes three times a week. Include crunches for stomach muscles, pushing and pulling for arms, shoulders, chest and back, bending forward at the waist for the lower back and bending at the knees for the legs -- all under resistance. Weight training excels.

~Rest and sleep sufficiently.

This seven-step program can use a few thousand embellishments as well, but it serves the recalcitrant masses with something to think about, a place to start.

What is it? Why is it that our neighbors are such club heads, even the nice ones who are responsible and charitable, dress nice, smell nice and drive nice cars? They work in the bank or the clinic or the auto dealership, grocery, library and nursery. You know the answer, I know the answer, everybody knows. It’s the computer, the TV, fast food and junk and this and that and so on and so on -- the age of lost responsibility, lost control, lost morality, lost respect.

The word is out. We’ve been alerted. Warnings are everywhere. Exercise and eat right. It’s on the news twice, three times a week. It makes the cover of Time and Newsweek and Hot Cars n’ Hot Girls. Yet nobody listens, no one is acting on the cautions and signs.

Hello everybody. Nice day, isn’t it? We’re fat, we’re lazy and out of control. And what are your plans this fine spring morning? Diabetes, heart conditions, high-blood pressure and obesity are skyrocketing. I’ll hop in the ole’ buggy, hit the commute and put in a good day’s work. Stress is taking its toll on modern societies. Look at the lush fields and the stunning wild flowers in bloom; this year’s generous rain and abundant sun has graced our fertile soil. The fast pace, the demands and the anxieties distract us from real life. We have been captured, bound and taken away. These are the days to have barbeques with old friends, plan vacations, see new places and enjoy grand experiences. Surgeon General has reported again that we need to exercise an hour a day and eat more protein and less sugars, more living foods and less dead junk or our life is worth less and it is shortened. So, whom are you rooting for this year? Take me out to the old ball game… ah, yes… my favorite jingle… isn’t life a treat! Kids sit around and eat junk and can’t bend over and tie their shoes. Hotdogs. Get your hotdogs. Root beer and Coke. Lard, nitrates, sugar, sugar, sugar… Over here, buddy. Take credit cards?

The fearsome facts have not penetrated the shield behind which man lives. The veil covering his countenance allows him to look without seeing and hear without listening. He associates and relates without understanding. He is visible, around and about, yet he hides. A year ago, two and three years ago, I had the temerity to say he’s dumb -- he’s a dope. Today I say he’s dumber and dopier and God bless him. He’s slipped backward rather than stepped forward despite clear warnings.

Our gyms are slow. All gyms are slow. Airlines, restaurants and Sax Fifth Avenue ain’t doin’ so good either. The economy and mood has folks frozen in position, counting their coins and eating. When they should be caring most, responsible, paying attention, applying disciplines, exercising to ready and strengthen the body and develop its resistance to the outside forces evenly distributed on the earth’s surface, they are busy burying their heads in the sand. Instead of looking for answers and contributing to solutions, they’re digging a way out by digging deeper in.

Hollywood loves these folks -- the ordinary folks, the masses. The filmmakers have in fact a lot to do with mankind’s fascinating… um… development, as do the pandering merchants selling cheap trash to the senses and the roadside filling stations at which man loads up his stomach -- Oops… I’m swerving off the road like a drunken activist or radical or rantist. I’ll behave!

The point is no one is listening to the good word but the choir. God bless you, but what about the lost sheep, overstuffed and great in number, roaming the vast pasturelands? Will it take another ten years at a heavy cost to gain their attention? Will the proponents of fat, sloppy and lazy, why-conform-to-the-lean-image-of-health radicals win yet another lost cause. Will promises of quick fixes and Rx pills suspend them in voids of inactivity and passiveness and eventual disappointment? I said I’d behave and this time I mean it!

What is it? Why is it? What do we do? It’s already very late in the day. Right about now I say, “Here, bombers, try this incredible monster routine for those rare days when the gym looks like a den of lions and you can’t find your chair and whip.” In stead I say, “What’s the use? Why bother? Nobody cares -- nobody listens! Goodbye, cruel world.”

I’m going to the gym. I don’t need no stinking chair and no stinking whip. A BB shooter (two scoops of Bomber Blend shaken in a cup of cold water), guts and clenched fists tame the beasts inside and out. Count on it! Always! It never, ever fails!

Sometimes it’s good to take the craft up, do a few rolls, test the ailerons and put the wind to flaps, check the gear and rigging and consider replacements and modifications. When you work hard, vigorously and under intense pressure, you get the job done, well and right, but have little time to assess, scrutinize and reflect. Sometimes it’s good to train when there are no lions on the gym floor.

Relax, Bombers. Stop and smell the wild flowers before they whither and the lush green fields turn brown, grow dry.

Push that iron and go with God… DD

ROCKIN’ IN ST. PETE

Bashers: In a month we’ll be in St. Petersburg, Florida, celebrating the bombers version of summer break. Friday, folks will be arriving from all corners of the globe so the activities, though unique and captivating, will be unimposing to compliment the greetings and socializing. Early on, I will be demonstrating in dreamy silence my latest ballet form and Pilates disciplines, and, as the late afternoon approaches, will recite a soliloquy from El Bombasto Mio by Troasta while playing my two-string Lyre in D minor. Laree will be serving green tea and Melba toast dabbed with organic parsley preserves throughout the festivities. Wear your Bermuda shorts.

Evening events are up for grabs. For those interested in bombing and blasting there will be a local gym prepared to respect our obsessions and weirdness. There’s a cool hi-pro deli, TooJays, where we plan to meet n’ eat before dispersing in each other’s company to a wide variety of St. Pete bright spots within footfall. See ya in the morning, around and about. Bench presses, deadlifts and squats, anyone?

Learn, eat, grow and enjoy are the themes of the weekend. The barbeque-fit-for-Bombers is Saturday early afternoon. Prior to the grand protein and carbo-loading, we will gather to talk with and listen to Tom Incledon, the real McCoy, tell us how it is and where it’s at. I’ll be by his side to answer the more intricate questions concerning biochemistry, kinetics and physiology.

St. Petersburg is set on a picturesque peninsula forming the western shoreline of Tampa Bay. The Gulf of Mexico is a walk through the park and I envision sparkling blue water, boats in vast profusion, sun-drenched skies dashed with brisk white clouds. Smiles, kind words, 450-pound bench presses, no sin… that sort of thing. Next year we go to New York City in the late fall.

After some time to ourselves, lingering and loitering or off to enjoy the beauty and excitement of the lovely neighborhood on the bay, we will regroup to jam with the master of Rock n’ roll, Rockin’ Ken. It has been said that my old friend Elvis Presley copied his style, a most incredible feat indeed.

Sunday, over a long brunch on the Pier we say good-bye for another year. The experiences, the memories and friendships are priceless. The ham and eggs, all you can eat, is $25.00.

Bring your sunglasses and leave your troubles behind.

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