The Gym, a Dying Breed
July 8, 2003

The iron lay still on the floor, but his beefy hands quivered as they hung between his legs. The shadows provided cool, quiet and calm. No one could see him sitting there hunched over and breathing deeply; this was a man hungry for air and from the look on his cloaked face, he could use morphine… or a friend. Agony is hard to read.

I watch people from a secluded perch inside my head and wonder what they’re thinking and what they have thought in the days gone by. I wonder who they are today. I’m not nosey, I’m not critical, I’m not malicious and I don’t gossip much; I’m curious and fascinated and sometimes bored.

This weird interest is not uncommon – people watching -- and it is not an addiction, though I seem to have little control over its occurrence, can’t stop it nor do I really try. I’ve concluded that wonder is the search for more of the truth around me; I‘m studying. Ha. We beings are incredibly good at rationalizing and spinning reality, whatever it may be.

Now, here comes a nice girl. She appears every day at the same time, walks straight as an arrow to the locker room, wearing a smile that suggests she’s happy to be here. She doesn’t say much… she doesn’t say anything, in fact, unless you say something first requiring an answer, like “Hi, how are you?” You can always count on, “Fine.” No one talks to her and I would feel compelled to step in to protect her if they did. “Hey Bub, be nice or I’ll tear your eyes out.” I’m so cool. She’s also cute in a frail sort of way and I’m not even sure of her name. It’s just that I identify with her, poor kid. Being shy is a monster and I don’t want her to waste her time building 18” arms to counter the beast. Still, lifting weights, and she lifts well, is one of the very best methods of developing your nature and coming to terms with your weaknesses. She’s gonna be fine.

Tending the juice bar is a lot of fun and provides opportunity for the conversation that does not take place on the gym floor: stock market, current events, home life, projects, vacations and, rarely, politics and religion and their controversy, which tends to deflate a well-pumped body. Slouched on stools, leaning on the bar top, half watching the muted TVs hanging overhead and sipping on irresistible Bomber Blend smoothies, we gain another dimension of each other. Free of the weights in our hands or the whirr of the treadmill beneath our feet, we share a greater depth of communication. Listen in:

Hi, how are ya? Can I get something for you?

I’ll have… um… a smoothie.

Sure. What kind would you like?

What kind… um … let me … ah… one with protein powder and ice.

Well, they all come with protein and ice. Would you like that blended with milk or juice?

Oh, let’s see… like I had it last time is perfect.

How’s that? Was it… did it… er… never mind… if you’re looking for more protein and less sweetness and can tolerate lactose, go with milk, low fat or skim. If you’re looking for sweetness and carbohydrates, go with fruit.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Both.

Both… fine… both it is, half milk and half juice. What kind of milk, low or no fat, and don’t say, “Okay.”

Do you have reduced fat?

Yes, yes, yes. Reduced fat it is and… oh, boy… what kind of juice, cranberry, apple, orange or any combination?

What kind do you like?

Me? Why me? I don’t like juice. I’m a high-protein, low-carb kind of guy.

Yes. No. Forget the juice. No juice. Juice-free for me. Milk-only is good.

Now we are getting somewhere. Do you want a banana in that or fresh strawberries? Hint, always good to have fresh, raw food throughout the day and I usually throw in the banana and sometimes the berries.

Banana, please.

Gotcha there. And what kind of Bomber Blend, chocolate or vanilla?

Bomber Blend? What’s Bomber Blend?

Excuse me? Are you serious? How many fingers am I holding up? What year is it? Can you recall your name? Bomber Blend is the world’s greatest protein powder. Chocolate or vanilla?

Chocolate. I‘ll have chocolate. Is that okay?

Yes indeedy. Want peanut butter in that?

Yes?

Smooth or crunchy? Ha… I’m foolin’ with ya.

Can I just have a plain soy milk? ( Or Do you have plain soy milk?)

I thought you’d never ask.

Phew! Another brilliant and stirring conversation. In truth, I offer few options and quickly suggest my favorite, the chocolate, peanut butter Hi Pro Mo, “You’ll love it! Your bench goes up and your waist goes down.”

Maybe I’m mistaken, but the best communicating is done on the black mats with the cold steel, amid the white noise of the rugged gym floor.

The early afternoon has become my preferred time to train. The gym, she’s empty. I don’t have to leave a personal item on each piece of equipment I’m using or thinking of using. Logistics: I only have so many wraps, straps, water bottles and towels to go around. Excuse me, but I’m using that, that, that and that. In fact, I’m using everything but the aerobic equipment. I jest; I’m greedy, but I share if I’m forced to. Like I said, around 1 PM the cruisin’ is easy, and my energy and muscle response are at a peak. Zoom zoom.

Actually, I don’t zoom anymore. I move precisely and intentionally like a bomb-seeking robot. I’ve gotta find the right exercise with the right groove to work the muscle intensely without detonating the pain of an injury. It’s hard to tell the difference between a robot and the real thing nowadays.

My favorite exercise combinations are the thick-bar bench press, thick-bar bent-over row superset. I’ve mentioned this before. The broad thick-bar surface is often more comfortable than the narrow standard bar on hands that are bruised or arthritic and the increased mass of the bar requires maximum attention to maintain balance and alters the groove enough to make the movement unique in muscle engagement and performance. Different can be fun. Also, gripping and pressing with the fat bar forego the use of a super-heavy weight -- physics, again, yet muscle intensity is still achieved. Less weight on the joints saves Bob and Jane a mountain of pain.

The other fat-bar combination I like is the standing barbell curl and the lying triceps pullover and press. For the same reasons as described for the press and row, I find an altered, slower movement with less gross weight to be a welcome change and a relief on the elbows, wrists and hands.

Try wrist curls with the thick-bar (everyone who wants big, strong arms should do wrist curls regularly) and see, again, the thick-bar advantages.

I have some thick-bar innovations in the works that I’ll talk over with you in the next weeks and months. Necessity is the mother of invention.

I don’t sit around much. Time halts, the bottom grows, the mind wearies and there’s too much to be done, anyway. So I wander about the gym at the end of a wet mop tending to quickly collecting grime and quickly collecting fat on the lower back and around the obliques. The deliberate twisting action as I attack the floor is both calorie burning and muscle acting, and I’m able to customize the motion to recruit various tough spots while vigorously cleaning every square inch of the vast floor. This is to say nothing of improving my skills as an elite ballet dancer -- leaps, flutter kicks and pirouettes are coming along nicely. I also secretly observe the boys and girls at work, or not at work or at work badly.

Hi. No, don’t move. You’re not in my way. How are you doing these days? (Zoom, swish, zoom… I can still zoom with the mop). Progress is slow, huh? How long have you been training? Six weeks – well that’s a long time to exercise regularly if you haven’t exercised for awhile. Congratulations. You’ve got to stick to it and the changes will surely come. Intensify your output as you become more familiar with your training. Be confident that you are conditioning yourself though you may not see it… it’s happening beneath the skin line and in your system… chemical and hormonal improvements, oxygen uptake and sugar utilization. You look more toned to me – hard to see it on yourself, living in your body and all. We’re a critical bunch. (Swish, swish, turn, spin, leap, long stretch, hold and swish… got me some dust bunnies collecting under the dumbbell rack.) How’s the eating routine? Yeah, you need more protein and less sugar and you should eat breakfast always and smaller meals more often throughout the day. Get rid of the junk food and soda pop. That helps, big time. What’s that? Any suggestions? You smoke two packs a day…

At this point I stand the mop upright with the handle on the floor and the tangled mop head near my shoulder, wiggle it and give it an affectionate squeeze and say, “Have you met my wife?” Whoosh. I’m off to polish the mirrors.

I’m so old fashioned, thank God. I think of the gym as a place where you develop your strength and health, and your personality is in there for a few sets and reps of its own. It’s a refuge from the outside world, its pressures, attitudes, convention and politics; an honest place, of the people, by the people and for the people with an order achieved by individual respect and responsibility. The big chain gyms line up the treadmills, stairs and bikes, personal trainers and salespeople, press the start button and off you go. Assembly line fitness and its participants are about as original and durable as trinkets made in China. Sometimes, in fact, often or almost always, I think we’re going in the wrong direction. Faster, cheaper, easier and more…

Aren’t you glad you can fly, bombers? You are a grand and wonderful people.

To the skies… DD

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