Gym Closes in 5 Minutes

The design of the book cover is beginning to take form. Like building a full biceps complemented by a sweeping triceps, a balanced and impelling cover requires time, patience and concentration. The words have been written and arranged in questionable order as if I were trying to keep the reader guessing; most of the pictures are in focus and right-side-up except for the fuzzy shot of me driving a forklift at my first job in N.J. — Laree says it's me but I think it's my buddy, Billy. Got three endorsements so far: one from Wayne, my landlord who lives in the apartment downstairs and one from the assistant coach at Aptos High, Bubba somthin,' and one from a retired lady schoolteacher, Miss Billingsworth (poor ole gal needs a Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass to read it), who said she'd correct the spelling and periods, commas and stuff if I'd clean her backyard. She asked when I could deliver the manuscript to her house. (That was very cool because I had been thinking of it as a pile of disheveled yellow-lined paper.) I'd say we're ahead of schedule and should have the book on the market by September 15th.

The title has to be catchy, too. GET HUGE AND CUT UP, FAST: FOR DUMMIES. Laree suggested, IN LESS THAN THIRTY DAYS instead of 'fast.' What do you think?

The weather in our sphere has been mostly wonderful and as hard as I try I cannot hold back the movement of time. Most of you who know me recognize that my inability to control time is one of my pet peeves; the formula is simple and right under our noses and I insist on uncovering it. Promise, you'll be the first to know when I do.

How are your health and fitness pursuits as you cruise the summer days? Are you getting huge and cut up, did you set a personal record today, has the sweat from your body formed puddles under the Stairmaster or have you temporarily misplaced your gym bag? I understand - we all understand, anyone receiving this silly newsletter understands. Truth is, the inside of the gym has been a less frequent hangout for me as I slip-slide along with the you-know-what. And when I'm there the space around the equipment is somewhat unoccupied. The natives are out in the jungle stirring up sunshine and waves, barbecues, fresh air, beach runs and mountain bike rides. The good life.

We know each other pretty well; may I make a small suggestion, a tiny reminder? My prompting comes from the heart and is more a plea than an imperative. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and you muscle worshippers, lend me your ears. Do not go one week without two workouts. These can be the thirty minutes - fifteen if you're rumpled and time-torn - that save you from the dreaded muscular disease, The Gap.

You've heard of The Gap, haven't you: an uncontrollable malfunctioning of the disciplinary tract, which leads to the deterioration of the walls of the will? Some folks have been known to succumb to the wretched disorder for months, losing muscle tone and gaining a tire (excuse me) around the middle. Mild discontent, guilt, irritability and sloping shoulders accompany The Gap. Loss of energy and stamina are not uncommon and binge eating has been observed amongst serious Gap sufferers.

Some seasons press us to limit our exercise schemes and obliging the pressure is natural and good. Summer vacations and winter holidays beg for time off. Be aware and recognize the safe and friendly boundaries of maintenance training and faithfully heed them until the more favorable times when you can 'blast' with hungry might. Failure to do so leads to despicable consequences. Prevention is easier than the cure.

Alas, the cure demands that you be so sufficiently distressed with yourself that you're willing to start all over again. Yuk. Don't you hate that? Admonishments precede the undertaking of the bitter cure and recovery is a lonely path overgrown with thistle and thorn. Cures and recoveries are sweet if they are short-lived and infrequent; they teach and award us with gratefulness. Should they recur like a broken spoke on a turning wheel, you can expect that the wheel is going nowhere. Fail to fix and one by one the spokes buckle and disengage.

Are you losing your spokes, Oh, busy resident of Muscletown? Before tomorrow morning pack your gym bag, prepare your ready-mix pre-workout protein energizer and plan a forty-five minute re-entry program that gives you ten on the bike, five on the gut and thirty on your favorite muscle-building equipment. Don't get in anybody's way and don't stop. Don't calculate, think too much, talk or groan if some bean-brain gets in your way. You're there to 'do,' to perform, to move as if chasing a mouse but not wanting to catch it. This can become your training style for the coming weeks that might be otherwise conspicuously absent of training time. Random training can develop smart patterns that allow you to move through the gym cleverly and swiftly, around the people, wherever you please with a built-in, hi-tech, newly devised homing mechanism: logical improvisation.

Bench press followed by the pulldown, followed by the dip machine, followed by the pullover (sets of 8-12), followed by the triceps pulley pushdown, followed by dumbbell alternate curls (any weight that feels good), followed by the dip machine, followed by the seated lat row, followed by the dumbbell incline, followed by the pullover, followed by the seated lat row, followed by the bench press, followed by the pulldown, triceps machine, curls, pushdowns, dumbbell inclines, pullover, water, always water. Smile, nod, dumbbell alternates (this is the greatest, tomorrow it's legs and deadlifts), triceps pushdowns... ... One more set... ... Dumbbell inclines... ...

Gym closes in five minutes.

WHAT? Five minutes? I just got here two hours ago. Bench press followed by pulldowns and pullovers... ...

dave

GYM CLOSES IN 5 MINUTES