Fire and ice, barbells and dumbbells— distinct, uncomplicated and wholly functional. Elaborations of the elementary appear to improve their value but I'm suspicious of the compromise hidden within. Fire heats, cooks, provides light, sterilizes, defends and much more. Ice cools and soothes, melts to offer water and preserves. Sure, refrigeration and forced air are neat but now we're looking at nuclear power plants to provide energy to support these sophistications that tend to spoil us and diminish our once-hardy character. Right?

My bizniz partner, John, called me from our gym in Scotts Valley. A generous and practical guy he's prepared to buy an additional piece of equipment from a health club evidently going out of business. We reviewed the list of beefy machines to determine what apparatus the gym and the members really needed. Popular name brands—Cybex, Hammer Strength, Body Master, Hoist—priced to sell had us seriously analyzing our inventory and floor plan.

The curl machine is always a rage item. You can really tug on those nicely-angled handles and spread out over the padded preacher bench. Great isolation. Good choice, John, but there's nothing like the feel of the standing bent-bar curl and the complete torso involvement when pulling with all your might and recruiting massive erector, mid-back, trap and shoulder cage muscle. Got those legs working for you as well. Who needs isolation, know what I'm saying? Preachers will give you tendonitis if you don't look out. Beware of hyper-extending at the elbow, buddy. Give me seated dumbbell alternate curls for big arms and some nasty upper body functioning anytime.

How about the Hammer Strength Ground Base Jammer? Yes, good choice. Great heavy-duty gear for the football players and tough guys looking for power, mass and propulsion. We can stick it by the back door near the squat racks, the space we reserved for the lifting platform where the guys and gals could do power cleans, Olympic lifts and deadlifts. You talk about mass and might, my man. Nothing builds useful and appealing muscle throughout the entire body like cleans and presses. Poetry in motion. And for weight gain, power and structural demand dead lifts are king. The power clean is mean for acceleration, charging, jumping and general annihilation. Barbells are bad.

We have room next to the Hammer Chest Press. Let's move in a Hammer IsoHi Lat to correspond to the monster pec machine as an ideal supersetting arrangement. Good thinking. Supersets are numero uno. I use our IsoLat when I'm restless and burned out on routine. Cute movement. The first set or two and I feel like something is going to happen. After five sets of tugging, my scapula region vaguely burns and I suspect a hint of pump somewhere but I'm not sure. One-arm dumbbell rows working your way up the rack are dynamite. You can position yourself just right to engage any specific area of the back. Long sweeping, high movements with a lighter weight for flare or hunkered down, heavy tugs for thickness and density, you're in control. The machines allow you little creativity and I miss that. Did I mention bent-over barbell rows for back development. Don't get me started, partner. Pure iron.

On the faxed list under leg equipment they have the Body Master Squat Machine. There's room for another leg apparatus 'cuz folks here don't crowd the squat racks. A super fine choice, JF. That leg machine beats them all. Just like the squat without the stress on the knees or lower back. Gals, if they squat deep with control for sets of fifteen to twenty reps, can really bring their backsides, hamstrings and quads around, to say nothing about their overall strength and respiratory efficiency. We need to talk to the people and let them know what they're missing. Achieving physical fitness without squatting is like quenching one's thirst without water. The bar on the back while all the muscles of the body struggle for balance and pursuit of the reps. How many plates can we load on the bar before it bends or we burst? That is, after all, what it is all about. Am I right, John, or are we talking about some new age, high-tech mumbo jumbo where we make it as easy as possible with as many gadgets as we can invent to do this and that for us as we sit back and push and pull mindlessly? Perhaps, we can hire someone to count the reps.

What else is on the list? Anything electric?